Alicia

Preview

Such distance from my name felt surreal. It was miles and miles and miles of a deserted country road, but with dark, fresh, pavement that was strangely out of place. No mountains, no cliffs. Just a perfectly straight road that stretched on for miles and miles and miles with dying grass and thundering skies continuing for infinity in every direction. Why would there be yellow, brittle, dry grass in an area so often blanketed with gray skies?

But beyond the road, beyond the yellow, grassy horizon, there stood a tree. Just the tip of a tree, just tall enough to see a tiny speck, a pixel of its existence. Just significant enough that you don’t forget that it’s there, just significant enough that anything and everything doesn’t look completely identical anymore. And that pixel is the only thing that proves that time has gone by. And yet, there it is. In the back of my mind. Always. Has time come to a stop? It feels that way. Everything is moving so routinely, so obliviously that nothing matters anymore.

Alicia. That’s your name, right? Pretty name. Pretty girl. You’re such a pretty girl…
Alicia. I don’t want you to be afraid. Close your eyes. This won’t hurt too bad…
Alicia. I love you. Fuck, your skin, your hair…You’re beautiful all over. You won’t mind if I cut some of this off, will you?

“Alicia.” Edginess. Preoccupation. Unreality. Taking everything for granted.
“Aleeeecia… Anyone home? Ding dong!”
“What is it Clark?”

A sigh of frustration, tiredness, neglect. Eyes filled with exasperation, back bent, elbows on my desk.

“Mr. Gable has an appointment with the Kellermans’ tomorrow. They’re control freaks, so he needs to be in Conference Room B in the second building at three o’ clock sharp.”

The soft clicking of a computer keyboard. A phone rings in the distance. Laughter.

“Got it.”
“Remember, three o’ clock sharp. Not one minute later. Got it?”
“Yeah, got it.”
“Okay.” He stands. “Okay.”

Relief, and stress at the same time.

“You okay, Clark?” Monotone. Uncaring. Routine.

No response. His footsteps get softer and softer.

Where do I work? I’m not sure anymore. The plan was to become a journalist, travel the world, be successful. Get a husband, have kids. Be popular. Have fun. Let’s just say I’m not there yet.

Maybe I’ll never get there.

Eyes stare blankly at the computer monitor as footsteps make their way towards my desk. High heels. Confidence. Reluctance.

“Hey Alicia.” Slathered in insincere excitement.
“Hi.”

Awkward silences are fun. They make my day.

“Just thought I should check up on you.”
“Okay.”

The clicking of my keyboard fill the silence between us.

“Well I should get going.”
“Okay.”

Click, click, click…

“I’m going to go eat lunch with Eric.”
Go have fun you fucking loser.
“Okay.”

Maybe I should buy another keyboard today. One that makes a nicer clicking noise. One that doesn’t sort of mush when I push it, one that sort of snaps.

“Bye.”

Friends aren’t very plentiful in my life. Not anymore. What are friends, anyway? What’s the difference between acquaintance and a friend? Are there different levels of friendship that are separated by specific rules? If they do this when this happens they are that? If you spend time with them outside of work, are they automatically a level up on the friendship scale?

Kiss her, Alicia. Kiss her real hard. Yeah, just like that. You two are my only friends.

My digital clock reads eleven-thirty p.m. as I return to the apartment. I pick up the phone, order Chinese, check voicemail.

“Hey honey, it’s mom. We’re having dinner with a friend of mine and her family, and you should come. Call me when you get the chance. Love you!” Click. I’m not in the mood. I sit down on the sofa I recently bought from Ikea. It was soft. The remote sits neatly on the end table. I pick it up, the plastic making a scraping noise on the surface of the end table, and turn on the TV.

I flip through the channels, not really enthusiastic. I find amusement in the things I hear as I flip through the channels. Fragments, broken up and mixed with others that together create something totally new.

Hey, don’t cry Alicia. Don’t cry. I don’t want to hurt you, and I wouldn’t, if I had a choice. I don’t have a choice, Alicia, I don’t. I love you, but I don’t have a choice.

My whole apartment is dark. The only source of light is the television screen. The light flickers, brightens, dims, and makes suspicious shadows on the wall. Everything has an eerie, blue hue. The sound of the city is distant, and the room is starting to get cold. Perhaps I should turn on the heater.

Suddenly, a flicker. A slight, barely noticeable flicker in the corner of my eye. It was the sort of thing that I would have normally shrugged off. That was what I did, in the half of my mind that was sane. But the other half suddenly grew cold, icy, still, and silent… afraid.

My finger finally relaxes on the channel button and I set the remote on the end table to give it a rest. I settled on cartoon network. An evil, but childish laugh echoes in the living room and bounces off the walls, and eventually it begins to echo in my mind.

Evil. Unmerciful. Cold.

Childish fear beginning to creep up into me, I stand up and walk, reaching for the light switch. My hand jolted as another flicker appeared in the corner of my vision. Hurriedly, I turn on the light. A warm, yellowish glow blankets everything around me. All is well.

I am safe.

Don’t be scared. I’ll protect you. I’ll protect you from the evils of the world.